If civilisation was a person

Today I'm going to give you an insight into what I do with my time. Here is what I decided to do with several hours of my life, before deciding I might as well post it as a blog. Basically I scaled the life of civilisation, starting with the control of fire, to the length of the average life of someone in the UK. I did it in notepad, so there are quite a few spelling and formatting mistakes.

If civilisation was a person:

Born in 500,000BC with the control of fire and shelter

At 15 creates spears and pigments

Wastes most of the middle of life doing not much, then at 57 creates bone tools.

With 70th birthday approaching starts making up for lost time, inventing the bow, flute and boat, as well as mining and cloth, all before their 75th birthday. Also gets first pet when they domesticate the dog.

At 77 starts farming and making alcohol as well as more complex buildings. Develops metalworking, lead, dentistry and maps. Domesticates sheep, goats, cattle, chicken and the cat.

After their 78th birthday, and start of the last whole year they'll live, starts working hard. Creates irrigation, milking, beer, plough, ice skates, paved streets, carts, learns to write for the first time, creates drainage, comb, cement, soap, the button, the bathroom and toilet, chariot, oven, shipyard and dock, ruler, currency, dice, candles, ink.

Near their 79th and final birthday they create the umbrella, glass, perfume, the spoked wheel, rubber, the fork, central heating and the lens.

They now have about 174 days left alive. In the first 60 days the Latin alphabet is created, as is the anchor, plastic surgery, the catapult, the wheelbarrow, the compass, the suspension bridge, the horseshoe, clockwork, the toothbrush and the encyclopedia. During this time Jesus is born and dies the next day.

In the next 30 days steam power is invented, as is paper and the combination lock.

In the next 20 days toilet paper is finally invented and to write on it they create the quill pen. They even create the psychiatric hospital for people writing on their toilet paper. More importantly, alcohol is distilled for the first time. Under-arm deodorant, the gas mask, the mechanical musical instument, the first programmable machine, the metronome, artifical weather simulation, erectile dysfunction treatment, university, chemotherapy and kerosene are invented. Then they go and ruin it all by inventing something stupid like a gun.

In the following 20 days the double piston flamethrower is made, as well as many less destructive things such as sherbert, street lamps, libraries, the novel, magnifying glasses, fireworks, sunglasses, glass mirrors, condoms and the buttonhole. I'm not sure what they were using buttons for before they had holes for them.

For the start of the next 20 days virtually everything is guns with the matchlock, bombard, multistage rocket, naval mine, round shot, shell and wheellock all being invented by the same couple of Chinese guys, as well as the katana and musket by some other people. But it wasn't all bad, as soon after this vodka is created, causing world peace to spread through the lands, at least until the morning after when all the leaders got up grouchier than ever and started some more wars. The steam turbine and pencil are invented.

So they're left with 24 days, less than a month to live. They're about to enter the begining of the modern era. With less than a month to go, they haven't even invented half the things in modern use. In the next week the telescope, barometer, vacuum pump, pressure cooker, steam engine powered water pump, piano, decimal currency, tuning fork, steam piston engine and mercury thermometer are all invented. During this time tea and coffee becomes popular in Europe, Fermat's Last Theorem is formulated (which will be solved about 20 days later) and calculus is developed by both Leibnitz and Newton, at the same time.

During the next week stuff really starts heating up. The cast iron dome, marine chronometer, ice palace, lightning rod, electrometer, model helicopter, spinning jenny, two-cylinder engine, carbonated water, steam road vehicle, steamboat, watt steam engine, circular saw, iron cased rocket, hot air balloon, bifocals, power loom, automatic flour mill, threshing machine, artificial teeth, vaccination, gas stove, morphine, steam locomotive, bandsaw, sailor cap, electric mine, stethoscope, kaleidoscope, bicycle, monorail, electric motor, photography, electromagnet, lighter, internal combustion engine, friction match, fountain-pen, thermostat, multiple coil magnet, electrical generator, hansom cab, braille, refrigerator, combine harvester, revolver, incadesescent light bulb, sewing machine, electric printing press, stell plow, camera zoom lens, electric boat and the vulcanization of rubber are all invented or developed. The century on which Wikipedia has a subsection of 'Important people' entitled 'Pirates' ends, followed by the start of the industrial revolution.

In the next 2 days everything really starts happening. The artificial fertilizer, saxophone, steam hammer, anaesthesia, typewriter, fax machine, ice cream maker, safety match, rubber band, pneumatic trye, sewing machine, modern oil well, safety pin, airship, elevator, Bunsen burner, celluloid, condensed milk, heating radiator, undersea telegraph cable, oul drill, lead acid battery, repeating rifle, self-propelled torpedo, vacuum cleaner, revolving machine gun, mechanical submarine, pasteurization, player piano, underground railway, barbed wire, dynamite, paper clip, rail air brake, periodic table, chewing gum, stock ticker, jeans, modern direct current electric motor, heroin and the electic street car are all invented in these 2 days. That's just 2 days. During this time lots of other stuff happened, including the publishing of The Communist Manifesto, the Great exhibition in London, The origin of Species published and the American Civil War happens.

The next day, showing no tiredness, the rate of inventions further increases. The dynamo, electrix rail, carpet sweeper, loudspeaker, telephone, stapler, induction motor, phonograph, microphone, cash register, electric tram, photophone, roll film, safety razor, seismograph, metal detector, electric fan, blowtorch, alternating current induction motor, linotype machine,electric trolley car, roller coaster, automobile, motorcycle, dishwasher, gasoline engine, amphetamine, contact lens, gramophone record, ceiling fan, Kodak hand camera, ballpoint pen, photoelectric cell, wind energy, zipper, escalator, adjustable spanner and the Tesla coil are all invented in this day. The first power plant and grid are made, the Eiffel tower is erected and basketball is invented. This brings us to one week ago.

Now they are really getting into the modern era. In the next day colour photography, automatic telephone exchange, carburetor, radio, milking machine, x-ray, diesel engine, polar icebreaker, remote control, ignition coil, magnetic tape recorder, gas turbine, self heating can, disposable razor blade, air conditioner, fire fighting foam, neon lamp, the airplane, tractor, blood pressure monitor, sonar, helicopter, electric washing machine and the Haber process are all invented or developed.

They're slowing getting closer to the modern time and the inventions are really starting to show that. In the next day, Bakelite, classical conditioning, dental braces, gyrocompass, hydroplane, parachute, aerobatics, airliner, assault rifle, bra (people could fly before they invented the bra), crossword, stainless steel, liquid fuel rocket, strategic bomber, tank, pyrex, sonar echolocation, cruise missile, air ionizer, polygraph, radar, television, wind tunnel, autogyro and automatic power loom are all invented. During this day the first world war started and finished.

With just a few days left before dieing the rate of invention doesn't stop. In the next day the aerosol spray, LED, mecanical cotton picker, sliced bread (since which apparently nothing has been quite as good), antibiotics, 3D television (apparently they had that back then), EEG, CRT, military robot, insulin, paratrooper, pressure suit, radio telescope, underwater welding, microwave radar, nylon, jet engine, the first electronic digital computer, polyphonic synthesizer, fiber glass, LSD (it's surprising they bothered to continue after that), velcro, bazooka and nuclear reactor are all invented. The great depression happens and world war 2 starts.

They've got 4 days to go and they're going to keep going, aparently without bothering to write out a will. In the next day Slinky is finally invented, as are some less important things such as the microwave oven, nuclear weapon, mobile phone, bikini, AK-47, pocket calculator, transistor, polaroid, LP record, holography, atomic clocks, credit card, contraceptive pill, nuclear power reactor, carbon nanotubes, optical fiber, fusion bomb, hovercraft, nuclear power plant, radar gun, hard drive, digital clock, videotape recorder, jet boat, satellite, spaceport, space capsule, neutron bomb, pacemaker, instant noodles and perhaps even more destructive than nuclear weapons, spandex, are all invented.

The next day sees rock n' roll all the way to disco. The laser , digital photography, optical disc, cochlear implant, space flight, computer mouse, hypertext, quartz wristwatch, FM sythesis, space toilet, video game console, supersonic transport, video cassetter, cup noodles, space station, E-mail, karaoke, LCD, microprocessor, MRI, ethernet, GM organisms, personal computer, Rubik's cube, DNA sequencing and underwater assault rifle (real useful) are all invented. This takes you through the Beatles up to the begining of synthpop, so it's got that going for it.

The next day was yesterday. Yesterday the personal stereo, credit card sized calculator, solar powered calculator, spreadsheet, walkman, CD, flash memory, handheld electronic camera, CD player (I'm not sure what CD's were being used for before this), artifical heart, camcorder, D-pad, pocket television, PDA, internet, colour LCD, portable CD player, graphic calculator, DNA fingerprinting, blue laser, World Wide Wide, memory card, webcam and plasma colour display were all invented.

Now, it's today. And today we have invented GPS, the smart phone, blue LED, USB, auto-tune, mp3 player, plasma TV, Tivo, human genome sequence, flashdrive and synthetic life.

More importantly, I was born today. And with my 17th birthday coming up I will have lived nearly one day of civilisation's life. All of this of course assumes that civilisation now dies, which would probably put a bit of a downer on my birthday.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this somewhat pointless blog, and keep in mind that civilisation, all of this, happened just so you can sit there, reading this blog. Not that you're insignificant or anything.