Like all English people I have the next two days off, although I don't really due to being on half term anyway. I'll try to explain to my non-English readers, who have probably stumbled here by accident, the cause of this. The first day is a celebration of May, known as Mayday. This is a custom for us English folk were we celebrate the beginning of May based solely on the fact it is May, and we've survived another year so we get another May. This is traditionally celebrated by getting children to do a dance of worship around a large phallus, while decorating the majestic dong with bright covered ribbons. We do this to ward off years when we don't dance around giant penis things for fun. This year's celebration of May is extra special, as it is in fact in June. This might seem strange to you non-English people, but rest assured it makes perfect sense. The celebration of May has been moved to June for a reason even more bizarre than the annual dick-pole dance. You see, there is a woman who has owned an old hat for 60 years. Now, I'm a big fan of hats, they keep your head warm and make you look cool, so I'm glad someone has finally recognised their importance. However, even I find it a bit of a stretch to mark 60 years of hat ownership with a day off. Not only does the hat get an ownership birthday, but it has been decided it is a nice enough hat to feature on all of my money, with it's owner. Again, big hat fan here, but still. Just once I'd like to look at a £5 note and see a picture of someone who has owned a sock for a while.
So, there you have the complete guide to why no one in England will be doing anything for the next couple of days.
(Edit: It has been brought to my attention that the Mayday bank holiday was at its usual time this year, which you'd think I'd remember. The moved bank holiday is usually on the last Monday in May, where we celebrate the fact we can all stop dancing around a penis for another year.)
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