8 reasons it would suck to be a wizard

      When the Harry Potter books first came out everyone was, to some degree, upset that they were a muggle and thus had to open doors with their hands instead of with a piece of wood. Actually, I was largely unaffected, being 3 at the time. But ignoring that, over time I have come to realise that being a wizard wouldn't actually be all that great, and here's why:

1. Owls. As great as owls are at killing small rodents, they aren't actually an optimal mailing solution. Not only do they take quite a while to deliver a message that could be sent instantly by e-mail, only one message can be delivered at a time. What's more, I've never had to clean up Gmail's droppings. The owl issue is part of a greater issue:
2. Technology. Muggles have the internet, mobile phones and toasty making thingies. Wizards have sticks that don't really do much. So many of the problems Harry and his friends face could be fixed if there were a Wizipedia. And why the hell are they still using steam trains? It would be so much faster if they just upgraded their tracks.
3. Safety. This is a world where a fun inter-school activity is pitting teenagers against dragons and the like to see if they die. Hogwarts' mortality rate is only really rivalled by that of Sunnydale High's. They have a tree on the grounds which tries to kill anything that comes near it. The lack of safety is particularly clear in my next point:
4. Quidditch. The national pastime is watching people fly around on brooms trying not to be killed by enchanted balls. Not only is this dangerous, it must be dull as hell to watch when the seeker flies completely out of site. And the scoring system is awful; in the rare instance that your team is 150 points behind, why in the hell would the seeker catch the snitch, thus losing the game, as happened at the world cup?
5. Food. I don't know about you, but I've never felt that confectionery would be improved if it tried to bite me, or if it tasted like urine. We could do this in the muggle world, we could put tiny little explosives into Mars bars, but we don't, because that would be stupid. Wizards seem to believe that you should use magic for the sake of using magic.
6. Security. You know what might stop an evil person from getting an item that grants them everlasting life? 5 inch thick steel doors, encrypted access codes and motion detectors. You know what's not going to stop them? Chess. I mean, seriously. How the hell was chess ever going to help?
7. Social Mobility. Okay, I admit I might be pushing it with this one, but hear me out. Once you've passed your wizarding eleven plus (i.e., you're a wizard) your future is pretty much set. You're going to learn a bunch of useless junk about potions and spells and how not to be killed by potions and spells, but you're not going to learn maths or science; you're not going to really contribute anything to the world; you're just going to be a wizard. Really wizards who live in the muggle world are just a tax drain.
8. Legal systems. If you commit a crime in the wizarding world you get sent to Azkaban where you are tortured for the rest of your life. I don't know about you, but this doesn't sound like a forward-thinking rehabilitation-oriented system to me.

So, yeah. Being a muggle is best.